Why I Hate Your Damn Dog

2642 days ago

I was chased by six different dogs while out running last week, all in Boulder. Some owners (sorry, “guardians”) were apologetic, some surprised. One didn’t notice, or pretended not to. Jerk.

So, jerk, and all your jerk dog-apologizing friends, here is why I hate your damn dog:

  • Your dog chases me. This is a big one. I do not like being chased. I am afraid of getting bitten. And the reason I don’t believe you when you say it would “never bite” is because you are the same moron who tells me that it “never chases people”
  • Your dog wants to play. I am out running, not out playing with your dog. I don’t want your dog to stop me, trip me up, slobber on me, or drop that disgusting, slimy tennis ball it is carrying on my feet.
  • You keep your dog on a leash, but it is 100 feet long. Between you and me, pal, that just isn’t going to cut it.
  • You let your dog off-leash right next to the big signs that say “DOGS MUST BE LEASHED”. Can you not read? Or are you just an asshole? There are a dozen places ONLY for dogs in Boulder, and a thousand more where your dog can be off-leash. I know you like to pretend you are John Damned Audubon, exploring the wilderness with your dog, but you’re not. You’re on Boulder County open space, 500 yards from your SUV. There are lots of other people around.
  • Speaking of your SUV, if you don’t pick up after your dog, I will pee on your windshield.
  • Finally: You yell at me when your dog comes after me. What the hell? Do you think I am trying to get your dog to come play with me? Do I look like I’m out for a little obnoxious-dog-stealing? You must be the dumbest person on earth.

I saw 953 other dogs last week, too, that did not try to chase me. So to those owners, thanks, I guess. Not that I feel like I should have to thank you for not letting your dog chase me – that’s a bit like thanking someone for not punching you in the face even though they could if they wanted to – but I appreciate the courtesy.

And if you are thinking, “six out of almost 1000, that’s not too bad,” then imagine that six out of every thousand cars that you saw swerved towards you, and most of them were just playing around.

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